You are worth the recovery......
You are worth recovery.
We're getting deep here guys. And I mean it.
Growing up I was a bit of a chubby child. I didn't really notice it much or care too much about my appearances. Until I got to about Grade 5.......
The time when hormones start to kick in. When boys and girls notice each other in a different lights.
But the boys around me made this difficult.
To them, I wasn't as attractive as the popular girls.
Nobody would want to kiss me.
Infact, I was classified as a sea animal, in particular, the whale.
Quite often they would make sea animal noises as I walked past with my lunch.
I got teased on a regular basis. And thus food became my friend and my comfort to get me through the hard days.
See the pattern here?
In high school there was a breaking moment for me.
A swimming coach confrunted me about my weight in the middle of the swimming pool, surrounded by the rest of my swim squad.
I remember this moment to this day, clear as a bell.
She told me "Natasha, you could really start clocking up some great numbers.... if you just lost some weight"
She said this, infront of all kids in the pool.
I wanted the ground to swallow me whole, I wanted the earth to just GULP me up. I was in the swimming pool in my togs! I had nowhere to go and I literally could not have been wearing anything more revealing.
My mum lost it at the lady and I never went back to swimming coaching again.....
That lady burnt me so badly that I didn't even enter in any of the swimming carnivals at school anymore. For years to come I could not bring myself to swim in a pool with other people around. Despite the fact that for years before that, I had been getting age champion in swimming.
Words are so powerful.
I took matters into my own hands, deciding that now was the time to lose weight.
NO boys wanted me and now I didnt even want me.....
I asked my mum for help and she started to cook healthier meals for me and purchased some work out dvd's so I could exercise in the comfort of my own house.
I started to drop some weight. I started to get a few people comment that i looked good.
This is where things got wild.
I liked the comments.
I liked this attention.
For the first time in my life it was positive attention and not negative.
I wanted to lose more weight, I wanted to look like those models in the magazines I would read.
The thing is, I got obsessed.
I started to drop my food intake down and up my exericse.
I dropped more weight and got more attention.
I became obsessed with the food that I put in my mouth.
Literally obsessed, I had a calorie book that I would carry around with me in my bag.
At the end of the day I calculated all the calories and if we went over 600 calories for the day, I would exercise until midnight to burn off all the extra food I had eaten.... (#heartbreaking)
My weight kept dropping and soon people weren't giving me compliments anymore.
Soon the guidance councillors at school were meeting with me and saying my friends were worried.
It didnt stop me or slow me down at all, I wanted what i wanted.......
One day it got out of control.... Like i really got out of control.....
I came home, incredibly hungry and ravenous..... I opened the cupboard and there was fresh crossaints.
I told myself that i could have just half of one..... all of a sudden i had eaten 5, i had an out of body experience and i couldnt stop myself.
I reached for the fridge and ate everything i could get my hands on. My stomach became swollen and hard and it HURT!
I ran to my room and bawled my eyes out, how could I have done this to myself.
And then it happened..... I purged to make myself feel better.
Then it just kept happening, and it kept happening more often.
I had developed bulemia and I didn't know how to stop it.
I lived my life having out of body experiences and it scared the daylights out of me.
I cried everyday but I couldn't stop.
One day my dad pulled me aside and he said to me
" You're not well are you"
" I'm fine, what are you talking about"
" Tash.... we know, we can hear you and we can smell it'
It was like my dad had punched me in the face... I never wanted anyone to know my deep dark secret.....
"Tash" he said, "Your mum crys herself to sleep at night she is so worried about you...."
I sat with my heart beating in my chest, it was like my world started to crumble in on me.
I thought of one thing and one thing only.
I made my mum cry.
My parents sat me down not long after to chat to me about the possibility of me going through counceling.
I wasnt too keen on the idea. The thought of sitting on broken glass felt less frightening then councelling.
But I agreed, because i love my parents and hurting them was the worst feeling in the world.
I saw numerous councellors.
The first councillor was very unhelpful, I made no progress being under their guidance.
My mum soon picked up on my vibes of hating her and we looked elsewhere.
The second councillor had a natural approach to healing. She saged me, made me meditate and performed reiki on me. Being 17, I thought that this lady was a 'kook', although lovely. There was still a part of me that didn't want to let my eating disorder go.
(Whats crazy now is I practice meditation and love it!)
Both of these ladies were lovely and im sure great at their jobs, but they just couldnt get through.
Guess what, i didnt 100% want to get better..... I couldnt imagine a world where I wasn't like this and it scared me!
One day I was doing homework on the computer and I saw my phones address book (cute hey, she never put numbers or anything in her phone)
And there was a number of ladies in a support and councilling group with daughters who had eating disorders....
My mum was in a councilling group .... I was causing so many issues in my mums life that she had to seek help and advice elsewhere.
I decided to work hard for my mum. To get better because I couldnt stand to cause this sort of harm to her. My mum has had so much happen to her in her life, and now her own daughter was causing her immense pain.
But I didnt go back to councilling, this time I was ready myself. I wanted to do this.
I made a bit of progress.
Then I would have a slip up. Then I would progress further, then i would have a slip up.
My recovery from my eating disorder took 6 year...
It was worth every single struggle.
It was worth every single tear.
It was worth every single moment of doubt.
My life now is vibrant, bright, full of laughter and love.
I go out and enjoy life and seize every moment that i can.
Eating disorders are scary frightening and down right petrifying to battle on your own.
Recovery can seem so hard sometimes and like there is nobody to help.
But there is always help. There is always someone to lend a hand.
The most important thing to remember is that the voices in your head are always lieing to you. They make you feel like there is no life and nothing without them.
Remember there is, life is better and far greater WITHOUT them!
And what better person than someone who has walked in the shoes of the same mental disease.