I hold the key to my freedom.


My journey began years ago, I hit rock bottom and nearly ended up in hospital. (You can read about my previous eating disorders and bodybuilding shows)
I felt out of control and like nothing was working for me. I felt broken. That voice inside my head kept telling me "You are BROKEN" "You are worthless". 

It grew and it festered inside of me. Growing like a vine, wrapping its poisonous leaves around every part of my body. 
When I was alone, I could feel the vines growing stronger making me feel weaker and weaker. 
So I surrounded myself with lots of people to full the feelings and the noise inside my head. Some of these people however, were not nurturing. 

This here was my biggest problem, instead of dealing with these issues myself and working through all the years of pain from my eating disorder, I tried to bury them. 
I put all my power of happiness outside of me, relying on the people around me to be in the drivers seat of my happiness. 
I would thrive when people around me would praise me, I would get a thrill off it. 
I wasn't in control anymore. 
I would do everything from a place of 'hate' rather than a place of 'love'. 
I would go to the gym to punish myself for the chocolate cake I had binged on. 
I would eat low carb because I overate the day before. 

The funny thing was, I thought I would be the only woman in the world who was thinking like this. 
Its only years later, with coaching many women that I see this pattern time and time again. 
The cycle of self loathing, self punishment, self HATE. 

I was scared to let these habits go, because I didn't want to face the reality. 
I wanted to move forward in life, but I was petrified. 

"Nothing changes, if nothing changes"

There is only one way to go when you are at the bottom and that is up. 

Starting to look inside you and reflect on yourself as a person can be scary. You can bring things to the surface that you've pushed down for years. But if you stop for a moment and let these thoughts flow and come to the surface, you can actually start to move forward. Let tears come, scream in rage, for once, feel. 
Transitioning from fear to love becomes easier and easier. 
Here is something simple to start implementing into your life every day. 
REMOVE : "Dammit, the baby is crying and I have to get up to feed him/her"
REPLACE : "Im so lucky that I am able to get out of bed to feed by child. A child which I was able to create and have so much love for"

Simple things to change your thought process can alter your mood immensely. 

Do everything from a place of LOVE. 

I hold the key to my freedom. 

Natasha xo